The Spin Zone


NOTE: This is not a Featured Column in THE NATIONAL NETWORKER Newsletter. It was an article deemed unfit for publication by the editorial authorities at that august and unempeachably respectable publication. The views expressed in this article by its author, Douglas Castle, do not necessarily reflect those of TNNW Management. Further, the views expressed by Mr. Castle in this "article" (using this latter term loosely), should not be construed by the reader as health, medical, legal, financial, tax or other professional or authoritative advice of any sort, even by the lowest standards. The reader should not rely on this article for any purposes whatsoever. The reader of this article reads the article (which is actually redundant as well as self-evident) at his or her own risk, and the publisher (and its employees, officers, directors, affiliaties, subsidiaries, agents, assigns, next-of-kin, concubines, janitorial staff, janitorial staph, casual acquaintances, etcetera, etcetera) assumes no liability, responsibility, or blame. There – that about covers it. (Phew)

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Dear Readers:

The brief article which follows appeared in the NEW YORK POST moments ago. To some, it would appear to be bad news for UNILEVER, the manufacturer of the popular SLIM-FAST drink. I see this as a perfect example of how putting the right spin on a news item can change everything. Their announcement follows. My revised version appears after the actual version. Remember — publicity requires a great deal of creativity and is not recommended for the non-professional. It would be very unprofessional and unethical if I were to point out that you should be using TNNW’s News Release Services (COMING SOON!) to utilize the media to your best possible advantage in a public relations or publicity campaign, and so I will not do that.


Douglas Castle




Last Updated: 6:21 AM, December 5, 2009

Posted: 4:42 AM, December 5, 2009

Unilever announced yesterday it voluntarily recalling all its Slim-Fast drinks due to a possible bacterial contamination.

The company said in a statement the diet products may be contaminated with Bacillus cereus, a micro-organism that can cause diarrhea, nausea and vomiting, but the chance of serious health problems was "remote."

The recall involves all Slim-Fast RTD products in cans.


My revision of the article:


Slim-Fast: Faster Than Ever

Last Updated: 6:21 AM, December 5, 2009

Posted: 4:42 AM, December 5, 2009

Unilever announced yesterday a tremendous breakthrough and enhancement in its very popular line of Slim-Fast drinks.

For a few lucky consumers of the time-honored weight-reduction product (perhaps one in every 1,000, chosen at random), their purchases will contain a new, scientifically-proven, environmentally-friendly, colon-cleansing, enhancement! This incredible accelerant is actually a simple bacillus which increases the efficiency of the entire gastro-intestinal tract, greatly speeding up the weight-loss process without the use of dangerous appetite suppressants or drugs. The company is in the process of patenting this special bacillus, a spokesperson said.

The company said in a statement that through its aggressive test-marketing campaign, code-named "Operation Bazooka," certain randomized cans of the products, already on shelves at many stores, have been enhanced with Bacillus cereus, the eco-friendly micro-organism that many are heralding as "one of Mother Nature’s best laxatives ever!" Some lucky consumers will likely be very, very surprised.

The company’s vice president of new product development said he expects Unilever’s share of the weight-loss drink market to increase exponentially as consumers get word of the explosive development. Rumors that Unilever is also about to unveil new lines of adult diapers, bathroom deodorizers, antiemetics and a product which would compete head-to-head with Preparation H, were unconfirmed.



About DouglasCastle1
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